What if we had actually never visited each other for anything over the course of an year and a half?
What if we never sat together in the couch, watching movies like Ferdinand the flower bull, You've got mail, John Wick, Swades, Darr, Padmavat, Bad Moms, Lego, Secret Lives of Pets, Kung Fu Panda, Harry Potter series, Imitation Game and many more? And what if he never said, "You always like only mushy movies!"
What if we never cycled around the parks and streets of the twin cities?
What if he had never told me, "Eat slowly. Chew your food. That is the one way you will feel satiated and not consume everything all at once?"
What if he had never told me that dosa is his favourite food?
What if he had never shared his childhood stories of his dad happening to treat bandits, who later rescued him along with his brother from a situation that police weren't involved with?
What if he never told me how his sisters frightened him with their "paayal" sound and scared him when he was a kid?
What if he had never told me that he so much likes that I cooked for him and cared for him?
What if he didn't tell me that he actually loved his bread with rasam than soup and felt like cursing me for it when I didn't have it that way?
What if he never told me that he doesn't like to eat like a royal every time and can eat like a peasant too? Therefore, my rice uppuma is his favourite than a dish of meat?
What if he never insisted on me trying the hotdog at Union Burger? And what if I never gave in?
What if I never tried root beer? Or even the regular beer, upon his insistence?
What if I had refused the glass of wine he poured during the Christmas Eve? After all, I never drank alcohol in 18 years since it was legally permissible for me to do so!
What if I wasn't immediately around when he had vertigo? And what if I wasn't following up consistently with how he feels? Oh, rest assured, he is strong soul and can always overcome anything... I keep praying that he stays the way he is - strong!
What if he never told me that his family, to him, feels more distant than what I am to him?
What if he never told me every time that I am a genuine person?
What if he didn't tell me that I was very good at suppressing my anger and turning it around as soon as I had expressed it?
What if he never joked to me about blue waffles?
What if he never picked any board games for us to play together from the library every other weekend?
What if he never took me for skiing to bring out the inner child in both of us - me getting scared and him getting excited?
What if we never spent anytime making breakfast or dinner together?
What if he didn't point out that he isn't able to sleep because of my snoring, despite being in a different room?
What if anything, would have been different if he hadn't told me that I do not communicate well enough but he was still smart enough to understand what I say?
What if anything, would have been different, if he hadn't actually done the Ghoomar dance after watching Padmaavat and both of us slept laughing at middle of the night?
What if anything, would have been different, if I hadn't actually watched a drag show with him?
What if anything, would have been different, if we have never shared about our sicknesses with each other, at any time?
What if we never kept tabs on each other for what we were eating, by how much and what exercises we did for the day when trying to meet a fitness goal?
What if I never insisted in giving my winter coat so that we could travel out to make snow angels together on fresh snow?
What if I never played Michael Jackson for him to dance to and he tried to teach me how to do it?
What if we never parked our bicycles in each other's place and looked with care and asked to ride the train/bus home since it is late?
What if he never turned around to see if I am still safe, when riding back to his house, though I was just right at my residence gate?
What if we never rolled down the windows of the car listening to the 90s hit including Aqua's Barbie girl? Or Shania Twain? Or No Doubt?
What if I never felt like gifting him a recoder to have him retry playing the song from The Titanic, since he said he was able to play that on a recorder during his schooldays?
What if he never recorded my voice while singing The Titanic along with Celine Dion and said, "Yo man... that was unbelievable" And no, I got no idea how it came up being so close and well that one time
What if I had never prayed that there is somehow a way the Universe could keep us together and that was literally the only prayer I had when I went with or without him to places of worship? What if I never knew I could actually ask something like that?! I actually never did the first time I thought I loved someone!
What if he never told me that I had a problem being away from him and my stupid and inflated ego chose to register it and kept me out for a month's time, specifically during his birthday month, not even greeting him, but yet having a handmade birthday card, sitting at my desk, for a full 4 months?
What if he didn't actually say that he was jealous of me that I visited a gay village in the heart of Montreal city?
What if I didn't say that shorts suited him better than his track pants and he said, "Do you like it?"
And there are so many more "What If's" that can keep getting stringed together...
I don't know the answers to what I don't know. And I will probably never know either for anytime in the near future...
What exactly made me feel super comfortable with him, I will never be able to tell... what had me break every known conservative barrier and belief systems, I cannot tell... there was something magical, surreal or maybe, I just misconstrued as being simply divine.
What if I had treated a broken wine glass, broken bowl, broken wine bottle, broken water bottle - all of it as some sort of a sign or ill omen from the Universe? Would it have been different? Will I be in tears now, writing any of this?
What if when the Lego movie was on, and the exact moment he almost touched my private part, the TV screamed on the screen "Do not touch the lego" and I had taken that as message from the Universe? Will I be in tears, writing any of this?
What if when he lied that he was out shopping and I saw his car still in the parking lot, I thought logically and questioned it hard for myself than give a benefit of doubt? Will I be in tears, writing any of this?
What if anything, would have been different, if I had simply not been there that night since when he decided to stop talking to me?! Will I be in tears, writing any of this?
AND, what if he actually never kissed me? Or I never allowed him to? Will I be in tears, writing any of this?
One thing that keeps ringing in my mind is something he said once - "There is always a time for everything... and if it has to happen, it will happen. And when it comes together, it will always come together." I think time simply chose to freeze! It froze at a point where there is nothing but the cold... And it has the power to make even the songs of Spring feel like dead silence of a Winter night!
I can never truly write whatever I feel or felt... But one thing I do say to myself - "Hey, you at least started somewhere... what if this can be the first chapter of an yet unpublished book?!"
